Tourist Tips for the Toronto-Bound

[caroljane]

Each year Canada's largest city welcomes our American neighbours to share our vibrant culture, world-class entertainment and food, and overwhelming politeness. Some of you are already familiar with our history and sense of life through following our sister thread, "Canadian Politics". Some will be "newbies", ready to plunge into an entirely new world where they still speak English. For both of these somes alike, the following tips will help to make your visit more enjoyable'

1. Training Bus

Our transit system is among the best in North America, and we recruit only the best. New bus drivers are all young adults drawn from our great multicultural community, the most creative, ever-evolving, think-outside-the box individuals we can find.

When you see a Training Bus coming, run to the nearest doorway and throw yourself on the ground.

2. Our Mayor

Our mayor, Rob Ford, is a high school football coach from the suburbs who hates downtown Toronto. He is not around much but has an Open House every Sunday for tourists who can prove they are not from urban centres.

3. The Leafs

This is a hockey team, or "penance", which reflects the deep religious roots of our community. The annual Penitential Festival, "the playoffs" is accompanied by ritual scourgings which some critics have said are reminiscent of Bergman's "The Seventh Seal".

4. TFF

The Toronto Film Festival in September is an event sponsored by conspirators whose only goal is to make the numbers of American movie stars saying "I love Toronto" reach critical mass. The ultimate purpose of this shadowy group of conspirators, referred to variously as "the Brotherhood" or "Slavus Medici", is an enigma.

5. Pizza

George's, On Broadview. The.Best.Ever.

[Mike11]

Last time the leafs won Jerusalem was Arab.

[caroljane]

Last time the leafs won Jerusalem was Arab.

Typical regional resentment, wimpy parasitical Maritime spleen vented upon their Betters. Take no notice.

[Selene]

The Lady Jays wish to formally protest their exclusion from the tourist tips for the Toronto-bound:

First, they are the only professional major league baseball team playing in Canada after the expulsion of the Montreal Expos to that diseased city south of the border;

Second, they won a world series championship in 1993 which makes them the dominant professional team in Toronto. The Leafs last won in 1967, before global warming existed;

Finally, the Lady Jays are much cuter than those hockey women with no teeth!

In addition to the work that Blue Jays players, coaches and staff do within the community, the organization is extremely proud of the Lady Jays and the time and effort they spend making Toronto a better place. Each year the Lady Jays support the following organizations:

Lady Jays Food Drive

Adam

[caroljane]

The Lady Jays wish to formally protest their exclusion from the tourist tips for the Toronto-bound:

First, they are the only professional major league baseball team playing in Canada after the expulsion of the Montreal Expos to that diseased city south of the border;

Second, they won a world series championship in 1993 which makes them the dominant professional team in Toronto. The Leafs last won in 1967, before global warming existed;

Finally, the Lady Jays are much cuter than those hockey women with no teeth!

In addition to the work that Blue Jays players, coaches and staff do within the community, the organization is extremely proud of the Lady Jays and the time and effort they spend making Toronto a better place. Each year the Lady Jays support the following organizations:

Lady Jays Food Drive

Adam

I protest American imperialist meddling and propaganda in cute and teeth.

I have all teeth beautiful teeth and am very cute everybody tell me even my husband Iqbal when he stop making awful poutine.

Rahida

Goalie Senior Sizzlers

[caroljane]

Whoops! Look like our staff of 14 neglected to add the actual tips to the money points on #s2-5.

On the shoulders of a civil servant, again, rests the burden of producing the tips. A servant, a slave, yet a producer of the tips.

2. Rob Ford - invite him to your house for a long, long vacation, and keep him there.

3. Leafs -Just remember how you felt at your favourite uncle's funeral, and put on that face, but don't actually cry.

4. TFF - when you see Angelina and Meryl and Tom, pretend you don't recognize them. They love that.

5. George's - closed on Sundays.

If my numerology is mixed up, I am just essentiazlizing. Bon voyage!

[Philip Coates]

Well, Daunce, I don't know about that Canadian politeness. The last time I was in Vancouver, I asked at the tourist shop if they could knit your maple leaf flag for me with a green leaf instead of a red one.

They were unwilling to accommodate a simple, friendly request.

I also asked how much the biggest mountain in British Coumbia weighed and the saleslady refused to tell me unless I specified whether that was with or without trees.

The people were also mostly hard of hearing. Every time I tried to have a conversation, everyone was saying "Eh, Eh" all the time.

[caroljane]

Well, Daunce, I don't know about that Canadian politeness. The last time I was in Vancouver, I asked at the tourist shop if they could knit your maple leaf flag for me with a green leaf instead of a red one.

They were unwilling to accommodate a simple, friendly request.

I also asked how much the biggest mountain in British Coumbia weighed and the saleslady refused to tell me unless I specified whether that was with or without trees.

The people were also mostly hard of hearing. Every time I tried to have a conversation, everyone was saying "Eh, Eh" all the time.

Oh, well Phil, Vancouver, they barely know how to be Canadian out there except in Olympic years. Come to Toronto for the real Canada where we say "Wei, wei" instead of Eh,eh, knit up anything you want including the wraveled sleeve of care, and ain't no mountains we can't weigh.Wei. Way!

[caroljane]

To Ms. Aline Andamine, Area Manager

Tourism Canada Outreach

Dear Ali,

I am sorry you have had complaints from the Human Rights Commission about my characterizations of Toronto multiculturalism.

You told me to use social networking to pull in US tourists and I am trying to do it.

We can't just take the van down to Buffalo and kidnap them off the street anymore.

Harriedly,

Daunce