Selene Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 That you started this thread, Brant, with Wesley's haunting hymn - instinctively with music - has so made me remember. Bereavement echoes, I will only speak of my mother's funeral, she died so unexpectedly that I could do nothing but focus on choosing the hymns and composing the eulogy. And after the funeral I could do literally nothing, but listen to Handel and plan my own funeral, because I knew, absolutely, that I had to get it done because there was no reason I should not just drop dead too at any minute, and I still know that. I could do nothing but this, trying to decide at what point to have "O Grave Where is thy Victory" played in the service, for two days. And this interesting interval ended in a DUI which I well deserved.Carol:As you probably know, I think you are a remarkable woman.This rendition of the hymn just does not make it for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Good --Galt! Nor me. It was the Handel part from Messiah , I was listening to. I did not even know there was this hymn, it is not in the Anglican hymnbook.Please post a clip of the original for me, dear Adam if you would, you know there are some skills I am just not able to learn. It is a duet and there are lots of Deaths Where is thy Stings on the net. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selene Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 The incredible beauty of the human voice... Hope this one works better for you...not real happy with the first thirty seconds with the mouthy lady's over pronouncing performance... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 O Adam! Thank you so much. I know what you mean by the mouthy lady. I try not to watch the singers, as I know the music only from records, and cannot think of people having to do physical things to produce this glory. The version that lives in me, is the old Beecham recording that travelled with me since I was 20, increasingly scratched and battered and looking for old players to be played on, but still playable in 2007. Still with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I keep revisiting this. Art, funerals, what matters.Anyone who tries to create any form of art knows, what other people think does not matter. Of course acknowledgment is necessary in some degree. If you can do anything, you know it or you don't.The most important thing I ever tried to write was my mother's eulogy. I never wrote it but I composed it as it came to me, and I did not panic on deadline, it just came to me calmly.The most important compliment I ever had or will have on my writing, came to me about the words I spoke then. Who said them or what they were are not important to my point here, not just because "self praise is no praise" and so on. That is not what I am talking about. Those words were silver and gold to me, a treasure to lay upon her grave, the last thing I could ever give her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Brant,when I wrote my posts above I knew only that you had lost your loved one. Now a friend who is very distressed for you,has toldI me how you lost him. I do not have anything to give you except this, I know what it is to want to die, and to need to die. I know it from authority, and and no I will not quote my sources. I know what it is, to believe you ought to be dead, to know that you ought to be dead more surely than you know anything. As I think you believe me to be honest. I am just telling you what I know. In that lonesome valley there are no others, you gotta walk it by yourself. I would credit the songwriter but I do not who the hell it was.You know how it is, when people you care about suffer, you just want to do something when you know there is not a damn thing you can do. This is the only stuff I have Brant, I am pretty sure you would not like one of my casseroles. Most people don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 Careful, there, Carol. To some extent you are mixing me up with Rodney and Rodney with yourself. I don't think you know what you know because you were driven mad by methamphetamine. My grief comes from wanting to live. All grief does. You were misinformed, but you're not dead. Your "sources" is a source, of course. It's always singular.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xray Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 My grief comes from wanting to live. All grief does.All forms of grief are connected with a loss, and in the most tragic case of losing a loved one, the grief is about wanting him/her back to life. One can also grieve deeply about a loved one not having had the life he/she could have had.My heart goes out to you, Brant.Angela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 My grief comes from wanting to live. All grief does.All forms of grief are connected with a loss, and in the most tragic case of losing a loved one, the grief is about wanting him/her back to life. One can also grieve deeply about a loved one not having had the life he/she could have had.My heart goes out to you, Brant.AngelaYes, and madness is the loss of one's self, while you are still alive, and aware of the loss. This form of grief is so severe that for some it is literally unendurable.As with postpartum depression which I got with my first baby. I never wanted to kill my baby or myself, but in my terror and utter helplessness, without my husband I might have slid into psychosis and done so.Hearing of such cases that become famous we all wonder, how could a woman kill her own child? How could she not? In madness you simply know you have to do something, so you do it.One reason there are nearly six years between my two sons is, I was afraid of getting PPD again. But second time around was the opposite, Andrew Edward Lynam 9 lbs. 6 oz, brought with him "joy in the morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 And a little aggravation in the afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted December 2, 2012 Author Share Posted December 2, 2012 "My grief comes from [terribly] wanting to live [in a way no longer possible]. All grief does."--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 "My grief comes from [terribly] wanting to live [in a way no longer possible]. All grief does."--BrantBrant, is that a quotation? I know, the quote marks should give me a clue, but you could just be quoting your own previous comment.It is art whoever wrote it, heartbreaking truth.As I read it again it seems to echo dimly as something I have read before. But that's art for you,heartbreaking truth that is just a recognition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 I know what the parents, individually, in Newtown, CT are going through, especially the mothers, but collectively it dissolves into the lead of emotionally incomprehensible horror. As for hurting a child in any way, I can't even imagine doing that so I can't get inside the mind of that murderer and all such explanations of that come across and will come across only as intellectualizations. Social explanations are another matter entirely, but likely to be all over the map, albeit mostly powered to statist conclusions, such is the nature of contemporary American culture.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 The headline in our local paper is "Silent Night", Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted December 15, 2012 Share Posted December 15, 2012 "Life, after all, is not so much to lose,But young men think it is. And we were young."-AE HousmanThis doesn't speak to the dead and their mourners of Newton--nothing could. But it has been going through my head all night, all day. Maybe now I have written it down it will go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Pain, not hate, is the other side of love so it's embraced so not to let the loved go so the grief goes on. --Brantand on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikee Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Best wishes Brant.We could never really be immortal because if we lived a thousand years we'd only remember the last 50. Cultivate the gift of forgetting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Best wishes Brant.We could never really be immortal because if we lived a thousand years we'd only remember the last 50. Cultivate the gift of forgetting. "If I could live a thousand years and all my dreams come true/ my memories of love would be of you"-Denver/Domingo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Pain, not hate, is the other side of love so it's embraced so not to let the loved go so the grief goes on. --Brant and onTrue. true. true. Hatred is energizing, even pleasurable, but so self-destructive. The only way to live fully in this world, it seems to me. is to love what you love more than you hate what you hate . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Posted February 8, 2013 Share Posted February 8, 2013 Duance wrote:Hatred is energizing, even pleasurable, but so self-destructive.end quoteDoes it help to hate when playing sports? Are bounties on opposing players good? Howabout those cheers during sports games, and those Samoan type pre-game warchants that are being used? The Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis gets his teamenergized and psyched up with mind control. It is fun to be a sports fan butsome doctors on Fox mentioned that heart attacks go up 15 percent after a biggame in the losers city and suburbs.Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Duance wrote:Hatred is energizing, even pleasurable, but so self-destructive.end quoteDoes it help to hate when playing sports? Are bounties on opposing players good? Howabout those cheers during sports games, and those Samoan type pre-game warchants that are being used? The Baltimore Ravens Ray Lewis gets his teamenergized and psyched up with mind control. It is fun to be a sports fan butsome doctors on Fox mentioned that heart attacks go up 15 percent after a biggame in the losers city and suburbs.Peter Peter, that is not hate, it is the "joy of battle" syndrome (not the bounty part, which is just cynical business practice)Feeling part of an "army" seems to be an atavistic emotional necessity, them against us, and They are not hated individuals, just an object to conquer in our glory and superiority and unity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 Hurt, as sung by Johnny CashI hurt myself today,To see if I still feel.I focus on the thing,The only thing that's realThe needle tears a hole,The old familiar sting,Try to kill it all the wayBut I remember everythingWhat have I become,My sweetest friend?Everyone I know goes away in the end.And you could have it all,My empire of dirt,I will let you down,I will make you hurtI wear this crown of thornsUpon my liars' chair,Full of broken thoughtsI cannot repairBeneath the stings of timeThe feelings disappear,You are someone else,I am still right hereWhat have I become,My sweetest friend?Everyone I knowGoes away in the endAnd you could have it all,My empire of dirt.I will let you down,I will make you hurtIf I could start again,A million miles away,I would keep myself,I would find a way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 What a strange harmony is art. the liar's chair and the marble arch, the needle Cash knew and the cutting syndrome he probably never heard of, the raptured king and the emperor of dirt... and Hallelujah for all of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brant Gaede Posted November 1, 2013 Author Share Posted November 1, 2013 I made the Hurt post to mark a point in time--a pivot point--for me. Rodney died on November 2, but it was part of a stream of time and events that began just before midnight October 31 and continued in fits and starts until the early morning hours of the 2nd with its horrible and freaky but logical but not necessary denouement. I'm right in the middle of the one-year anniversary of that; it's all pain. After this I need to recreate myself and move out of the zone I've been living in. That starts Monday.--Brant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 That re creation has already started and will not end until you do. I know. Do not be mad at me for knowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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