BaalChatzaf Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 O.K. here is my first attempt at Haiku:ready?The plopping of shit (five syllables)Pee bub-bel-ling cheerfully (seven syllables)The toilet flushed (five syllables)Nature has been invoked. So it is a Haiku. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Uck, uck, uck.The lunch I was eating was invoked, if you call that nature, and it will be a while before I forgive you.Stick to math and physics, please Baal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Ba'al, your poem should be posted on the bulletin board of the Old Folks Nursing Home. Perhaps you could add a second stanza about taking pills with apple sauce, vomiting, watching Television with the volume turned way up, and being oh so lonely when no one visits. This may not be Haiku but when I was sixteen I wrote: Alone but never lonely. Surrounded but never lost. Here – yet able to see- there. Wishing things to be. And living to make them so. Life is this, I know. Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selene Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Opinion: Essential Elements of Haiku By pottygok on Wednesday, August 13, 2003 08:59 pmHaikuI thought this list might help others improve their craft. These are the essential elements of haiku as advocated by The Heron's Nest (from editor Ferris Gilli):Concrete imageryFocusConciseness (clarity, brevity)Effective juxtapositionResonanceImmediacyNatural syntaxCommon languageBalance of humanity and natureSense of moodSense of season; kigoA clear caesura between the two parts of the haiku(A poem that consists of only a single, complete sentence usually fails as haiku.)Every successful haiku poet keeps a mental list of things that should not be part of a haiku. This is my list of things to avoid:PoeticsPersonificationAnthropomorphismSimileDirect metaphorPhilosophical statementsAbstractionsThe writer's interpretation of somethingThe writer's explanation of somethingThe writer's argumentation of somethingThe writer's rationale of somethingCause and effect:The cause of something in the haikuThe effect of something in the haikuThe writer's description of his or her emotionsThe writer's naming his or her emotions or naming anyone or anything else's emotionsThe writer's description of someone's psyche, soul, thoughts, aura, or any other abstract or philosophical thingThe writer's opinion of something in the haikuThe writer trying to "teach" the reader somethingHere is a list of questions that you could ask yourself about each of your haiku before you consider it finished:Am I telling instead of showing my moment? Am I presenting abstract ideas instead of concrete images? Is this haiku so crowded with images that it could be distracting or confusing for readers? Is this a "snapshot" haiku? Does this haiku contain a dangling participle? Does the action I describe take more than a moment to observe? Is this verse an example of cause and effect? Is this an uncut poem? Is this verse written as a complete sentence, with no break between setting and main action? Have I left out articles or modifiers that are needed for clarity and smooth flow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moralist Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Ba'al, your poem should be posted on the bulletin board of the Old Folks Nursing Home. Perhaps you could add a second stanza about taking pills with apple sauce, vomiting, watching Television with the volume turned way up, and being oh so lonely when no one visits. This may not be Haiku but when I was sixteen I wrote: Alone but never lonely. Surrounded but never lost. Here – yet able to see- there. Wishing things to be. And living to make them so. Life is this, I know. Peter I really like that, Peter. It has meaning. Greg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michael Stuart Kelly Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 ... my first attempt at Haiku:The plopping of shitPee bub-bel-ling cheerfullyThe toilet flushedBob,Just awful.No verb.Present tense.Past tense.I can live with the no-verb line, but adding past tense to a haiku?Dayaamm!That's offensive.This haiku might eventually work if you polish it some.Polish, polish, polish...Michael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 No, Bob, do not polish.Let the past remain in UckAnd join the stars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaalChatzaf Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 No, Bob, do not polish. (six syllables , try again)lLet the past remain in UckAnd join the stars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljane Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Everyone's a critic.. "Oy gevalt Baal, don't polish!"It is HNIC for crying out loud. You are lucky that my professionalism causes me to tend to your intellectual needs 24/7. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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